Reflections on my small part in a London death

[alexsarll]

My Tube home hit someone at Euston last night. Now, obviously given I live in London, I've had transport disruption down to this sort of thing before, but I've never felt the crunch, never been (through momentum as a product of mass and velocity) some small part of the killing. Now, I've long felt that suicide as currently practised is more often than not an incredibly selfish act, and suicide by train perhaps the worst of the lot, but there were details here which really brought that home. The driver's faltering voice as he announced "a very serious incident at the front of this train". The realisation that a friend of mine was on the platform - we attempted some gestured communication, and even managed a few words once I detrained, but given he's an off-duty police, he was really obliged to go up front and lend a hand. I mean, that's not what you want on your way home of a Sunday evening, is it? And as ruudboy has noted, it was late enough to screw up the last Tubes. I was on my bus routes home, though I ended up walking to Camden through simple impatience, but a lot of people were going to be left stranded far from home. I'm not that bothered about the delay to my own journey, given today's a day off and I've been sleeping better than I do anything else this weekend. I'm certainly not that bothered about my small part in killing this dick, because as outlined above anyone who's prepared to act so bloody selfishly and obstructively amply deserves to die. But I am bothered about the driver, my friend, those other passengers, all of whom have had their evening (and in the driver's case especially, perhaps much longer) tainted by one inconsiderate little toerag convinced that his own problems were so much more important than everyone else's lives.

In an effort to keep myself vaguely calm, I've written this entry to the soothing strains of Anjani, a member of Leonard Cohen's band who's now done an album with him producing and co-writing, It's very good - sort of Norah Jones without the distressingly dinner party moments, or a less Teutonic Ute Lemper. Normally I'd consider it strictly late-night music, but it's keeping me on an even keel at the moment.

Comments

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

Earlier in the evening I had been subjected to Dalziel & Pascoe by my otherwise delightful hostesses. Nothing I saw could have been much worse than Warren Clarke's face.

[palindrome-boys.livejournal.com]

It was bad, wasn't it?! Except for that bit "What were you doing between 8 and 10pm last night..?" Eek, eek eek!!! Heheheh. I'm sad that your evening got worse. Worse that Warren Clarke's face eating a sandwich. ^~^

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to tell you on my 'home safe' text because it would rather have spoiled the reassuring effect and ultimately, I was home safe. But that and his face aside, I did have a lovely day!

[atommickbrane.livejournal.com]

Ooof, how horrible. Wince.

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

Interesting that you both went with 'Oof', but that the number of Os is increasing. I wonder if the trend will continue in subsequent comments? And if so, when will diminishing returns kick in? I'm guessing circa 'Oooooooooooof.'

[puzzled-anwen.livejournal.com]

Ugh, yeah, that happened to Elvira from work recently, horrible for the poor driver. Selfish bastards.

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

You work with Elvira (http://www.igoweb.org/~wms/personal/photos/college/LA/elvira.jpg)? Awesome!

[puzzled-anwen.livejournal.com]

Yes, definitely that Elvira, and not a 20-something Argentinian Jewish lady... *nods*

Last night I had a dream that you posted on the SB board because you wanted advice on whether or not to send the girl you liked a Chocolate Buffy. My advice, which still stands by the way, should the opportunity arise, was to buy ME a Chocolate Buffy instead.

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

20-something Argentinian Jewish lady still sounds quite enticing, tbh.

I really wouldn't trust the postal service with a chocolate Buffy these days. Or the SB board with my lovelife, for that matter.

[p-dan-tic.livejournal.com]

much as I agree there are more selfless ways to top yourself, there are people who are more concerned with making sure it's not their loved ones who discover the body and also want to make sure that they're clearly dead rather than just "disapear" of you see what I mean (sometimes so that loved ones can pick up the isurance or whatever)

I can honestly see why those two fact might be more important to someone that not inconvniencing londoners, and knowing I think there really are worse ways to do it than somehwere where everyone who will have something to do with the death itself is in a job whihc specifically prepares it's employees for the possibility and provides proper support, and I think you're being a *little* harsh

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

Points taken, but I still think there are enough high places in this city to offer another option where you're not implicating anyone else, but still won't be found by other members of your household.

[p-dan-tic.livejournal.com]

in no way was I saying that there arn't better way that you or I can think of, but you know joe peon, would the same be true of him? Especially as the high places can be concidered an unknown quanitiy, and there is security in the things you know.

Anyway that dosn't matter, the only thing I said that really mattered was me replying to you and the anween's calling the person selfish by pointing out potential motives

[puzzled-anwen.livejournal.com]

Well, I think that basically all suicide is pretty selfish, because it's always going to affect other people - sure your mum's/wife's/son's pain may be a bit less if she/he doesn't actually find the corpse, but not much, you know?

[p-dan-tic.livejournal.com]

I do..........

do you?

[p-dan-tic.livejournal.com]

that is to say "i do know, do you?"

can you honestly say that the grief/supprise/actual real life horror of discovering the body of someone you love is just "not much" worse than being told they're dead, where you're not alone and not knowing what to do?

Having to check for a pulse

Having to phone 999 and not knowing if you should be calling for an ambulence or not as they're actually dead

Having to wait for the police to turn up and eventually a coriner, who will check the crime scene and only then take the body away

Assuming that we're talking about a place that's part of your day to day life, having that place perminatly be "the place where you found the body" rahter than whatever previous memories were there

all of that is just "not much" worse?

Jesus woman

[p-dan-tic.livejournal.com]

oh and I forgot the absolute joy of having to be the one to tell other relatives that their family member is dead

[missfrost.livejournal.com]

My experience of being on a train behind one which had hit a suicide at 6pm on a Friday was that travellers soon go from initial sympathy and understanding for the delay, to loudly proclaiming "what sort of selfish bastard kills themself in rush hour?" and "for fuck's sake, how long can it take to move a body?"

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

These are my usual sentiments, aye; they never really changed last night, just got compounded by sympathy as I realised the effects on other people involved, so I was getting annoyed on their behalf as well as my own.

[pippaalice.livejournal.com]

I can understand the compulsion but at the end of the day you are making someone else have to deal with having caused your death which is so selfish. But then I guess if you get to that point you don't really care about much anymore anyway.

Urgh. :(

The really weird thing is I had dreams about people being killed by trains all night. (The man was an alcoholic and beat his wife and then killed himself, I really have the nicest dreams. There was also a car on the tube line, which is odd and unlikely really) I also had a dream that I was having a baby though so I doubt this was me seeing the future or owt.

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

No, I do not think there was a car involved. Or a Pippa baby. You really ought to have less upsetting dreams sometimes!

[pippaalice.livejournal.com]

i know! I mean really...but anyways I don't seem to be as upset as I usually am after scary dreams!

I am currently wondering if I have accidently eaten bleach or if it is chili. I suspect the latter.

[palindrome-boys.livejournal.com]

I didn't feed you bleach or chilli! It was Warren Clarke wasn't it? He gave you bad dreams. I am so sorry! But on a happy happy note, Liz made me a paper sperm! Yaaaay!! ^^

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

So that's what lesbians do! ;p

[cappuccino-kid.livejournal.com]

Once I was on the district line, and the driver announced that the delay was caused by the driver of the train in front having dropped dead. Everyone else in my carriage started laughing!

[pippaalice.livejournal.com]

was your carriage full of clones of Johnny? ;)

[mylifebythesea.livejournal.com]

Oi!

Actually, good point, well made.

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

BEST CLONE SAGA EVER.

[tiny-tear.livejournal.com]

Haven't been on the train, but have been on the platform and heard a crunch. *shudder* (about 7 years ago in Archway)

[verlaine.livejournal.com]

Suicide in front of a train isn't unthinking selfishness, it's a little piece of payback.

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

If you had identified a driver who'd closed the doors just in your face or been otherwise irksome on a previous occasion, perhaps - but somehow I doubt it, and in general London's bus drivers are generally much more deserving. Or if you wanted to balls up the transport arrangements of specific people whose plans you knew, maybe - but there are definitely simpler ways of going about that.