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The Romo Avenger
Apr. 23rd, 2003 10:30 amWOOOOOOOOOH!!!! LEMME HEAR YOU SAY BARRY!!!!
Dear fluttering hearts, allow me to round up for you the highlights of my recent improbable and highly unnecessary working holiday amid the bright lights of mid 1980s Los Angeles and the tacky allure of the World Wrestling Federation!
Imagine if you will my time travelling etherform, made flesh and clad in spandex, standing boldly on the turnbuckle of a wrestling arena - hand cupped to crowd, all triumphantly hollering as to the virtues of the good Baron...
"B-A-R-R-Y!!!! B-A-R-R-Y!!!"
Yes, yes!!! I had boldly undertaken a crash course in american wrestling and proceeded to slice a dandy dash through the cream of the WWF, all live on network television, all in front of a capacity crowd somewhere in one of the many alternate realities where I, Barry Sarll, am master of time, bender of dimensions, scourge of peons and champion of destiny.
"By Thoth!!!" I screamed into an attendant NBC camera, spraying Baronial spittle into the face of each and every inbred cornfed hick from Delaware to Detroit, "By Isis!!! I came, I saw, I conquered!!! America, brush the lice from your plague ridden arses and salute your natural superior!!! Tonight, live at the main event, I have dispatched Koko The Parrot Man B Ware!!! I have mangled Jake The Snake Roberts!! I have pulverized The Junkyard Dog!!! I have torn open the horrors of the Nth dimension and administered a sound booting to Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hillbilly Jim and the so-called 'Ultimate' Warrior!!!! But now, now America, put aside your over salted vomit feckled snack foods and watch agog as I destroy your false messiah Hulk Hogan!!!"
But what impunity!!! Some gin swilling chimp by the name of Jimmy "The Mouth Of The South" Hart grabbed my microphone and began to mewl and retch his own brand of peonic chunder:
"America!!! AMERICA!!! Are we gonna take this s### from some limey f###wad?? Say WHAT!!???? I say, get Hulk Hogan in here, let's hear some hollering and whoopassin' and let's get some Hulkamania going!!! Then we'll see if Barry 'The Romo Avenger' Sarll has got what it takes to be a true WWF champion!! Can I get a HELL-YEAH????"
Mark my words, by this time I, Barry Sarll, was livid! Purple with ire!! And as Hulk Hogan made his garish, vomitious way to the gladitorial arena, I began pounding the turnbuckle in wanton anger.... but then.... but then, to my rank horror, my solid etherform began to fade!!!
My wrestling boots of lilac hue!! My snug fitting spandex leotard, cut by Hawks of Saville Row, daffy and gay as a twittering lovebird.... vanishing before my eyes! My powdered tower of a Regency wig, resplendent with model ship and ten types of bug...... fading from memory!!!
Then, the man Hogan grasped at my neck, but his hand went straight through!!! I prepared my patented Barry Sarll wrestling moves - The Peon Press, The ProleBuster, The Screaming Flounce, The Perfect Kiss......... all failed as my time travelling solid thought form evaporated.... sound grew dim, points of light faded..... I awoke with a start, stirring in my long slumbering Body Beautiful, on my crushed velvet pillow in my Baronial Finsbury Park abode.
A voice. Stephens!
"Barry" mewled the slump, "Barry, I must awake you!!! I implore you to rouse!"
"BY JUPITER!!!!" I trumpeted, "WHAT IS THIS IMPUNITY??? I was mere seconds away from being crowned WWF champion for the year of 1984!!!"
"But Barry, you are needed post haste in 2003! It has been brought to my attention that your hated nemesis, the fourth dimensional dwelling human known as Alex Sarll, is sick, sick with some mystery ailment, displaying symptoms unknown to any Doctor!"
"And what of it?" I barked.
"Well, Barry, it would appear that perhaps you and he are more closely linked than we dare ever imagine... it seems that your occult adventures may leak various heavy duty techbugs and vicious viral fictionworms into the fleshworld where Alex Sarll resides... I'm not sure how it all links, but we may have unleashed something nasty this time."
"Hmmmm. How thorougly devious and bizarre!" I mused, arch of eyebrow and smirking of grin...
Dear fluttering hearts, allow me to round up for you the highlights of my recent improbable and highly unnecessary working holiday amid the bright lights of mid 1980s Los Angeles and the tacky allure of the World Wrestling Federation!
Imagine if you will my time travelling etherform, made flesh and clad in spandex, standing boldly on the turnbuckle of a wrestling arena - hand cupped to crowd, all triumphantly hollering as to the virtues of the good Baron...
"B-A-R-R-Y!!!! B-A-R-R-Y!!!"
Yes, yes!!! I had boldly undertaken a crash course in american wrestling and proceeded to slice a dandy dash through the cream of the WWF, all live on network television, all in front of a capacity crowd somewhere in one of the many alternate realities where I, Barry Sarll, am master of time, bender of dimensions, scourge of peons and champion of destiny.
"By Thoth!!!" I screamed into an attendant NBC camera, spraying Baronial spittle into the face of each and every inbred cornfed hick from Delaware to Detroit, "By Isis!!! I came, I saw, I conquered!!! America, brush the lice from your plague ridden arses and salute your natural superior!!! Tonight, live at the main event, I have dispatched Koko The Parrot Man B Ware!!! I have mangled Jake The Snake Roberts!! I have pulverized The Junkyard Dog!!! I have torn open the horrors of the Nth dimension and administered a sound booting to Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hillbilly Jim and the so-called 'Ultimate' Warrior!!!! But now, now America, put aside your over salted vomit feckled snack foods and watch agog as I destroy your false messiah Hulk Hogan!!!"
But what impunity!!! Some gin swilling chimp by the name of Jimmy "The Mouth Of The South" Hart grabbed my microphone and began to mewl and retch his own brand of peonic chunder:
"America!!! AMERICA!!! Are we gonna take this s### from some limey f###wad?? Say WHAT!!???? I say, get Hulk Hogan in here, let's hear some hollering and whoopassin' and let's get some Hulkamania going!!! Then we'll see if Barry 'The Romo Avenger' Sarll has got what it takes to be a true WWF champion!! Can I get a HELL-YEAH????"
Mark my words, by this time I, Barry Sarll, was livid! Purple with ire!! And as Hulk Hogan made his garish, vomitious way to the gladitorial arena, I began pounding the turnbuckle in wanton anger.... but then.... but then, to my rank horror, my solid etherform began to fade!!!
My wrestling boots of lilac hue!! My snug fitting spandex leotard, cut by Hawks of Saville Row, daffy and gay as a twittering lovebird.... vanishing before my eyes! My powdered tower of a Regency wig, resplendent with model ship and ten types of bug...... fading from memory!!!
Then, the man Hogan grasped at my neck, but his hand went straight through!!! I prepared my patented Barry Sarll wrestling moves - The Peon Press, The ProleBuster, The Screaming Flounce, The Perfect Kiss......... all failed as my time travelling solid thought form evaporated.... sound grew dim, points of light faded..... I awoke with a start, stirring in my long slumbering Body Beautiful, on my crushed velvet pillow in my Baronial Finsbury Park abode.
A voice. Stephens!
"Barry" mewled the slump, "Barry, I must awake you!!! I implore you to rouse!"
"BY JUPITER!!!!" I trumpeted, "WHAT IS THIS IMPUNITY??? I was mere seconds away from being crowned WWF champion for the year of 1984!!!"
"But Barry, you are needed post haste in 2003! It has been brought to my attention that your hated nemesis, the fourth dimensional dwelling human known as Alex Sarll, is sick, sick with some mystery ailment, displaying symptoms unknown to any Doctor!"
"And what of it?" I barked.
"Well, Barry, it would appear that perhaps you and he are more closely linked than we dare ever imagine... it seems that your occult adventures may leak various heavy duty techbugs and vicious viral fictionworms into the fleshworld where Alex Sarll resides... I'm not sure how it all links, but we may have unleashed something nasty this time."
"Hmmmm. How thorougly devious and bizarre!" I mused, arch of eyebrow and smirking of grin...
